It's been a few months since my last update and that usually is a sign that things are either very busy or going extremely well for me. I wrote here to express myself and let out all of the things that were on my mind, knowing fully well that nobody is reading, it was something I just felt I had to do so that I can move forward with my life. Times have definitely changed, days are just flying by once again. I can't believe that it has been over 1 year since the break up and almost 1 year since the first house was sold. How do I feel after it all? Still a little numbing and unreal but right now I definitely wouldn't change a thing it has brought me to where I am today.
I never really understood how people would go through depression, I thought it was because they were weak, however after going through such a difficult time in my life I have realized that it can happen to anyone. I am not saying I was in depression however for a long period of time I felt that my life was nothing but a bubble, I was numb and dizzy about everything around me. Nothing made sense to me anymore, thinking that my life and beliefs were nothing but a lie. Anyway all this to say , nobody understands why or how the heart really works and has such a huge impact on our daily lives. I feel sad for the people whjo never get the opportunity to share their love with someone else. I have been fortunate to have shared it with someone for a long time and now feel very happy to have met someone to share it with once again. It has been quite a while already that we have been dating, I have no doubt right now that she is the one. We have the same values, outlook on life, respect for each other and understanding of what we want. Truth is, I think in many ways we are the same person but in other ways we do have differences which keeps things exciting. She is amazing and I think the world of her.
We have been looking at houses to buy together, we aren't 100% sure yet however we are pretty close to making an offer. It is a brand new build that won't be ready for a few months, it is 2200 sq feet (huge) amazing layout and really just beautiful. At the present time she will be moving in with us shortly, I have been working at her current house, finishing the flooring and the walls downstairs, and then it will be up for sale. As for my current house it will be going up for sale in the next year, but in the meantime we have been doing a lot of work around the house. We finished a beautiful garden infront and in the back, the fence is up for a few months now, the parking is now asphalted with 4 parking spots (vs everyone else who has 2 or 3) , we have put up the separations in the basement and this month it should be nearly done. I have a plumber coming in to install the toilet,shower and sink downstairs with ceramic flooring. Then the remaining I will be completing. I never used to adventure myself with renovations or work such as that, but it's always something I wanted to be able to do and learn and I must admit it isn't bad at all. I enjoy it.
Danyelle and I have been talking a lot about the house, however another topic as come up quite a bit, marriage. It is something I didn't see being a possibility happening so fast as of last year.
It's weird how life goes. I realized that I am a very loyal person within a relationship and I am one of those "fools or rare ones" who believes in eternal love and I have met someone with the same values. I really thought I had before, however unfortunately it wasn't the case.
I wish Roxanne the very best in her life, I do miss her sometimes but that's normal after living so many years with her, but I do also realize things will never be the same and it's the way life was intended to be. I wish I had a chance to say all the things I have always wanted to say but if I haven't it;s because it wasn't meant to be said.
I am very happy with my life, I have worked hard on finding myself, working on myself so that I never do the same mistakes again, and I am proud of myself. Last year I left TD for a gvmnt job that paid me almost 20k less so that I can try a new path in my life and sure it has been a little more difficult financially but I know long term it is worth it. I just applied for a HR Coordinator job which seems like I am the front man for it. It's exciting at the possibility of getting a promotion after only 9 months. I know I am very good when it comes to work but I need to also never let myself get unmotivated because I tend to slack off. I want to go as far as I can with my career, I feel like I am meant to suceed very well in everything I take on.
Alright I will stop at this, obviously so much more I could say but I will get back to my life for now so that I have more to tell you in the future.
Until next time,
"In case I don't see you, Have a good afternoon, good evening and good night"
Cheers!
Monday, September 12, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
As time goes by
Wow already approaching mid April of 2011, that just baffles me how fast time as gone by since last year. So many things have happened since the last time I wrote but all wonderful things. I have refound my motivation for working out and eating better and with enough patience I will finally attain my initial goal I had set for myself last year. I had decided last year after losing 50 + lbs that I wanted to maintain that for a little while, so I have been able to for about 8 months which is amazing, now its chapter #2 in the weight lost process. Obviously it;s not the first time I tell myselfg that but I am tired of letting myself down and falling short of what I am supposed to be and do. So by mid summer I hope to be exactlyy where I want to. Losing weight is a battle when you have an addiction at one point or another, for me eating was very emotional also was the best way I knew how to socialize it was fun, now I just don't see it the same way. I think about the fact that if I had started losing weight way back in August 2009 when my ex did how I would be today, I wish I had, for the simple fact of not letting us all down. Today I don't feel thatr pressure I just dont want to let myself down. In March I took my first plane flight, it was a 4 hour flight there and another 4 back, quite the experience. Honestly it was the easiest experience for me never worried, I was just worried about the ear pain on landings other then that it was great. I went to Regina for almost 2 weeks for work and will be going back sometime this year. The purposes for me was to workout, eat well and do crazy overtime, so I worked for 15 days straight of 11+ hours per day, it's nice when it's double time pay :). I will need it however because before leaving for Regina the grand am was done, so I got it scrapped which sucks, however I knew this winter I would need a new car, Danyelle said it depends if your gf has a 4 door car you may not ( she does , so I think that was a sign lol). On the topic of Danyelle, things couldn't be better, this woman is amazing, its been over 2 months and I feel I just have so much respect for her. Her values in life are all the same or very close to mine, it's probably why we have gotten along so well, we also have a strong connection which is wonderful. She is definitely very special, I hadn't thought like that about someone since my Ex, even with the 4 other woman I dated in between nobody comes close to Danyelle. I am a lucky man. We went to the habs game last week sitting 6 rows from the ice behind the net, it was amazing, I never thought I would date someone with such huge passion for hockey, she even has more then I do which is wonderful. Her fav bands include Bon Jovi, Guns N Roses, Motley Crue which turn out to be most of my absolute favorites. I never thought I would find a woman who love dmusic more then my ex, well I was wrong she knows her stuff like nobody else. She reminds me a lot of Peyton Sawyer in One Tree Hill, which along with Friday Night Lights I think are the two best drama series ever. I have met Danyelles family and friends so far, they are so genuine and I really enjoy their company and they seem to think highly of me which is wonderful. Apparently I bring alot of laughter and fun in peoples lives, REALLY I didnt know lol, truth is I always have however over a course of maybe 1-2 years I had lost that in me, I am happy it's back :) I have lived with my brother now for 6 months, which is nuts, I never thought I would move in with him in my life, but things change, and honestly there is the biggest positive possibly of the break up, I have never been close to him now I feel real close and I am grateful, hes a wonderful guy. I am proud of him and no matter what I am sure he will be great. I am happy to have this chance to help him out with his first house, he was 22 not many people are that age with their first house :) The one thing that frustrates me a little with him lately is his way with woman, unfortunately he seems to be used as a yoyo and it sucks. Emotionally he is still attached to his ex and she keeps playingb with his head while another woman he was interested in, also doesnt seem sure what she wants, so he looks at his ex fr support. I have come to realize with time, it's ok for him to love his ex , and like me he probably will always have that special feeling inside for them, it;s normal we loved them, cared for them and thought the world of them, however for him to be ok, like me, we need to take a step back sometimes as much as our hearts may not want to, the head says to do so. I wish I didn'/t have to take such direct measures with her, but for me I thoguht I was ready to talk to her civilized again, until I felt she was bringing me back in the old routine, and acting also like nothingb had happened, when things did happen, maybe she never felt as strongly as I did, maybe many things were said inproperly during the months, but at the end of the day it's still someone important in my past and I will not forget that. But for me it was simple, she had moved on, while i patiently waited there for hope, while I wasn't getting any better, so I took the decision it was time for me to move on, and since I couldn't be happier. I wish her the absolute best in her life and I mean that, I wouldn't want anything hurtful or bad to ever ever happen to her, but it's no longer on me to worry about it as I used to and focus on my own life. I saw her brother for the first time since the move and 2nd time since the break up, this past weekend, it was nice because I missed him and her immediate family, I had created such a strong bond with them and for me they had become my family, so it was nice, I wish one day, if we cross each other on the road we will be able to say hi, it may not be for a while but maybe one day. It's sad because I believe inexperience and our personal strong will, and big egos got in the way of us, we did things I know we both arent proud of , but its done with and honestly right now it's no longer on my mind. I feared I can never love another woman again but I can say that for sure its possible, it takes time and you learn from your mistakes and never want to repeat them, so I decided to take things slow and go in with my head before my heart and so far it's been amazing. Nothing as ever come easier then that. NOthing feels rushed, it's weird because we have been together over 2 months but I am feeling like it's been a year already thats how much I feel I know of her, obviously I will continue with no rush but I love the direction its going. Anyway that's that and I am happy to write in here, I have no intentions in rereading from my last year as it was a dark time, so I am glad I can see the light again and have a smile on my face and mean it :) Take care
Thursday, February 24, 2011
New era
How times have changed. 2010 to 2011 has been the most intense transition of a year to another I have ever lived before. From 2010 having so many new experiences, challenges in my life, many new dates and 2011 has followed with a amazing start to the year. I met this girl Tammy who I was with on and off for a little while, a very beautiful woman who had her stuff together, someone who made me feel real good, she was the type of woman who commanded the attention of a room when she walked into it, she helped me move on from my past and focus on the good things of the future. You are someone very important in my life and will forever be grateful, unfortunately things didn`t quite work out for us but that`s not a bad thing in fact I had a good time. That experience has allowed me to find a amazing woman with who everything is just so natural and easy. She allows me to be myself and she`s herself at all times, things have just really meshed in all possible ways. I really feel like she may be the right one for me, obviously only time will tell but so far we both feel very strongly by each other. It`s already been close to 1 month since we started being together and it feels just so right. We have been able to sit down together for hours and just talk about everything and it just never feels like it`s long enough... that to me is a clear indication of a strong connection. I am very thankful for having this new part of my life and it`s the one thing which as completely taken the focus out of my past life, I have come to realize I will always care for my ex, but at the same time for me to have a healthy life and really be happy unfortunately we can no longer be part of each others lives and that`s ok. I have all my focus on my own life, my real friends which have stood by me through everything, and my new girl. I knew one day I was going to regain all the strenght I once had and when I did lights would be out on the people who doubted me. I have regained my confidance and much more, I look at life with such a positive attitude once again which I haven`t in many years, I see what I am worth to others and it makes me feel damn good to be in my shoes. I feel like I owe the world and my friends or anybody just to share my experience with them when they are going through their own difficult times because I know it`s not easy, love and rejection makes your heart do some really stupid things but with it comes quite the learning experience. I figured out I no longer loved myself, I let myself go, doubted everything about myself for months and months just because I was out of a relationship, but with enough time like they say things change and I have developped a much deeper understanding of who I am. I have no shame, I followed a life coach for months with the priority focused on myself and trying to better myself, and I feel so happy to know who I am again and to never doubt the great things I have to offer. We all have faults and we all have done things in our lives we are regretful of but the reality is they are part of us, they don`t make us bad people even if sometimes we feel everyone is against you and there will be some that are and those are no longer part of your life as they weren`t there for you like they should have. A real friend should never feel the need to chose sides and it sucks because I feel like I may have lost a few people whom I considered quite important in my life but at the same time it`s been a eye opening experience to see where exactly I stand with others. I am grateful to have the people of my surroundings and I will never forget what they did for me.
Danyelle, all I can say about her so far is, your a very special woman, someone with whom I can honestly see myself with long term and with the way we have been going at it I seriously think I have found my match. Your a very understanding woman, great passion for what you do and I respect you so much. I am looking forward to a wonderful weekend with you.
I want to end this post with a big thank you to both my grand fathers, god, the people who are there watching over me because my prayers are all coming through. Thanks,
Danyelle, all I can say about her so far is, your a very special woman, someone with whom I can honestly see myself with long term and with the way we have been going at it I seriously think I have found my match. Your a very understanding woman, great passion for what you do and I respect you so much. I am looking forward to a wonderful weekend with you.
I want to end this post with a big thank you to both my grand fathers, god, the people who are there watching over me because my prayers are all coming through. Thanks,
Monday, January 24, 2011
Late nights
It's 3:12 am and I can't seem to be able to get you out of my head. All day today, cleaning the basement, the spare room, the kitchen, living room, trying to keep busy so that I don't have to sit and rethink of how my life used to be with you. There isn't a single day that goes by that you don't cross my mind and all I can do is live with this feeling hidden inside of me because there is no one there to express it with. I wonder everyday on how things would be today if I would of reacted how my heart really wanted to, if I would of said the things that came to mind when they did instead of holding back in fear of getting more hurt and more embarassed to love someone so much and feel like that person wouldn't feel the same way.
I sit here in my bed, wondering how life would be if you were here right beside me, sleeping as you used to and I would simply stare at you, admiring your beautiful face, wrap my arms around you, hold you close as though no matter what happens in life everything will be ok because we are together. How I wish I could make you feel the things I do inside of me, show you a different life then you are accustomed to, share interests together that we each have and laugh out loud at small details we share together. Look at each others eyes and feel the comfort that love is there and knowing that even when things get difficult we have each other. Understanding that we aren't perfect but that we know what we have is special. Thinking of you is difficult because I have come to realize I will never have that chance to share my real feelings, from the sadness, the disapointment, the anger and then the love I have towards you.
I have come to figure out that life is all about changes and that some make us better people and others may be very difficult and for some impossible to overcome. I for one know that I probably will always have feelings for you, your not just someone that we crossed paths, I believe we did because we were meant to, something about what we had just felt surreal, we clicked on so many different levels and understood each other, that to me is real love. Your always going to be a very important part of my life and in the end I really wouldn't trade what I have lived with anyone, because if it just meant that I got to share this love with you for a short or long period of time then it was so worth it. Your an amazing woman whom I always thought the world of and sometimes I feel I forgot how to express it as much as I wanted to, life got in the way, but I never did think less of you, you were someone I saw myself wanting to spend the rest of my life with. Things happen for a reason and I think what the reason is for myself , was finding the real me again, the person that could allow himself to become what I should of been and not make excuses anymore. It was important for me to love myself as much internally as externally. To appreciate that the qualities I have to offer someone are rare and very genuine and that my way of life is very simple, love someone and be loved by someone is the greatest gift we can all have. I never thought I would get to the point of feeling this way but at the same time it doesn't mean I don't miss you, because god as my witness I miss you everyday, it's hard not being able to tell you this and tell you all I want for you is your happiness no matter what. It's difficult to tell someone your letting them go but because I have loved you it's the only rigth thing to do because I loved you so much that if you are happy then that's all that counts. Sacrifice is the ultimate love sometimes and I don't worry about it because I feel that faith or god as a way of being there for the right people and in the end the good ones are the happiest.
I decided a few weeks ago to stop sitting there in self pitty and think about all that could have been but focus more on the positives of my life and think that no matter what life only gets better, also that I need to think about the present and future because these are the things I have control of and I have decided to make these times very meaningful and enjoy the time I do have because life can also be short so it's to take time to appreciate the goods we have and just remain positive. I think the world of you, I wish you all the best, I will always have the feeling inside of me like I want to be there for you , but I can't as it just wouldn't be right but don't forget it doesn't mean I don't think of you. You will do great in this world I am sure of it, I have confidance in you like you can't believe I know you will succeed in everything because you are that special person, at least in my eyes. I am glad your allowing yourself to see this part of you and open up to the world because you have a lot to share and by all means go for what you believe in.
I wonder why I sometimes kept a part of me away from you, never quite understood, there is so many times I wish we could of just had a night sittingb in the car in a park somewhere listening to all kinds of music and just letting ourselves go, talk about things that we think of, no matter what it would be. I think about it a lot and wonder why I felt the need to be opposed to you I know what I have said in the past and I don't believe it for one second, the truth is I was afraid, I have always been afraid of you, because the feelings I had inside of me worried me so much that if one day they were not returned it would kill me inside. I never had felt this way for someone before, but the thought of spending my life with you was what i wanted more then anything, I wanted to be by your side for everything and support you through the bad times and be your biggest support when things are going well, but I was scared that one day I would get hurt, something happened in my past I haven't shared with anyone until a few months back, it marked me for over 12-13 years which made me become who i was, someone with a wonderful heart, great intentions but very opposed to some peoples opinions or thoughts, simply because it was my way of guarding myself from not letting myself get to close, all I ever knew in my life were people , very important to me, leavingb my life continously abandonning me, all throughout high school, life was difficult when I was losing some people but the thought of losing you, the woman I loved was a million times more intense. For months I let all of it destroy my insides, destroy my day to day life because I couldn't imagine the life after you, then when i started living the life after you I noticed it wasn't something I wanted to live , I didn't know how. So this is when I decided to take a real good break from everything focus on myself and think about what I want and how to get there. I have become a much stronger person then I was because of this time, I have had a understanding about life and that sometimes the only thing you can do is let things be. I know that being with you is probably what I ultimately would want but for now it's not something that I have so I needed to accept it and move on as much as I could. Moving on doesn't mean erase the other person, doesn't mean I am not allowed to care or love you, it just means I need to better myself as a person, focus on what is important for myself now and who knows maybe try to let someone new in my heart which is what I have been doing, focused so much on myself that I know more about ME now then I did over the first 27 years of my life, I am a strong person and feel confidant my life will be great no matter what. I have so much to offer and this is why I am writting this right now, I need to give myself a path on the back for sticking to what I believe in even though it may of destroyed any relationship with you and I am left there embarassed for having feelings for you, at the end of the day I am not ashamed of it one bit, in fact I am happy that I have loved someone this way and I can smile inside about it especially if things are doing well for you.
At the end of the day I want you to be happy , I will always wish you nothing but the best and you will always have a piece of my heart. I wish things would of been different but actually they are, I am sure we are no longer the exact same people but I think it's a good thing because whichever people we were some of it was broken on each sides.... I hope you have had the chance to help yourself with yours because it's great once you do. God please take care of both of us and ensure our lives are wonderful because we are two of a kind, I want nothing but the best for both of us and we deserve it. Thanks!!!
I sit here in my bed, wondering how life would be if you were here right beside me, sleeping as you used to and I would simply stare at you, admiring your beautiful face, wrap my arms around you, hold you close as though no matter what happens in life everything will be ok because we are together. How I wish I could make you feel the things I do inside of me, show you a different life then you are accustomed to, share interests together that we each have and laugh out loud at small details we share together. Look at each others eyes and feel the comfort that love is there and knowing that even when things get difficult we have each other. Understanding that we aren't perfect but that we know what we have is special. Thinking of you is difficult because I have come to realize I will never have that chance to share my real feelings, from the sadness, the disapointment, the anger and then the love I have towards you.
I have come to figure out that life is all about changes and that some make us better people and others may be very difficult and for some impossible to overcome. I for one know that I probably will always have feelings for you, your not just someone that we crossed paths, I believe we did because we were meant to, something about what we had just felt surreal, we clicked on so many different levels and understood each other, that to me is real love. Your always going to be a very important part of my life and in the end I really wouldn't trade what I have lived with anyone, because if it just meant that I got to share this love with you for a short or long period of time then it was so worth it. Your an amazing woman whom I always thought the world of and sometimes I feel I forgot how to express it as much as I wanted to, life got in the way, but I never did think less of you, you were someone I saw myself wanting to spend the rest of my life with. Things happen for a reason and I think what the reason is for myself , was finding the real me again, the person that could allow himself to become what I should of been and not make excuses anymore. It was important for me to love myself as much internally as externally. To appreciate that the qualities I have to offer someone are rare and very genuine and that my way of life is very simple, love someone and be loved by someone is the greatest gift we can all have. I never thought I would get to the point of feeling this way but at the same time it doesn't mean I don't miss you, because god as my witness I miss you everyday, it's hard not being able to tell you this and tell you all I want for you is your happiness no matter what. It's difficult to tell someone your letting them go but because I have loved you it's the only rigth thing to do because I loved you so much that if you are happy then that's all that counts. Sacrifice is the ultimate love sometimes and I don't worry about it because I feel that faith or god as a way of being there for the right people and in the end the good ones are the happiest.
I decided a few weeks ago to stop sitting there in self pitty and think about all that could have been but focus more on the positives of my life and think that no matter what life only gets better, also that I need to think about the present and future because these are the things I have control of and I have decided to make these times very meaningful and enjoy the time I do have because life can also be short so it's to take time to appreciate the goods we have and just remain positive. I think the world of you, I wish you all the best, I will always have the feeling inside of me like I want to be there for you , but I can't as it just wouldn't be right but don't forget it doesn't mean I don't think of you. You will do great in this world I am sure of it, I have confidance in you like you can't believe I know you will succeed in everything because you are that special person, at least in my eyes. I am glad your allowing yourself to see this part of you and open up to the world because you have a lot to share and by all means go for what you believe in.
I wonder why I sometimes kept a part of me away from you, never quite understood, there is so many times I wish we could of just had a night sittingb in the car in a park somewhere listening to all kinds of music and just letting ourselves go, talk about things that we think of, no matter what it would be. I think about it a lot and wonder why I felt the need to be opposed to you I know what I have said in the past and I don't believe it for one second, the truth is I was afraid, I have always been afraid of you, because the feelings I had inside of me worried me so much that if one day they were not returned it would kill me inside. I never had felt this way for someone before, but the thought of spending my life with you was what i wanted more then anything, I wanted to be by your side for everything and support you through the bad times and be your biggest support when things are going well, but I was scared that one day I would get hurt, something happened in my past I haven't shared with anyone until a few months back, it marked me for over 12-13 years which made me become who i was, someone with a wonderful heart, great intentions but very opposed to some peoples opinions or thoughts, simply because it was my way of guarding myself from not letting myself get to close, all I ever knew in my life were people , very important to me, leavingb my life continously abandonning me, all throughout high school, life was difficult when I was losing some people but the thought of losing you, the woman I loved was a million times more intense. For months I let all of it destroy my insides, destroy my day to day life because I couldn't imagine the life after you, then when i started living the life after you I noticed it wasn't something I wanted to live , I didn't know how. So this is when I decided to take a real good break from everything focus on myself and think about what I want and how to get there. I have become a much stronger person then I was because of this time, I have had a understanding about life and that sometimes the only thing you can do is let things be. I know that being with you is probably what I ultimately would want but for now it's not something that I have so I needed to accept it and move on as much as I could. Moving on doesn't mean erase the other person, doesn't mean I am not allowed to care or love you, it just means I need to better myself as a person, focus on what is important for myself now and who knows maybe try to let someone new in my heart which is what I have been doing, focused so much on myself that I know more about ME now then I did over the first 27 years of my life, I am a strong person and feel confidant my life will be great no matter what. I have so much to offer and this is why I am writting this right now, I need to give myself a path on the back for sticking to what I believe in even though it may of destroyed any relationship with you and I am left there embarassed for having feelings for you, at the end of the day I am not ashamed of it one bit, in fact I am happy that I have loved someone this way and I can smile inside about it especially if things are doing well for you.
At the end of the day I want you to be happy , I will always wish you nothing but the best and you will always have a piece of my heart. I wish things would of been different but actually they are, I am sure we are no longer the exact same people but I think it's a good thing because whichever people we were some of it was broken on each sides.... I hope you have had the chance to help yourself with yours because it's great once you do. God please take care of both of us and ensure our lives are wonderful because we are two of a kind, I want nothing but the best for both of us and we deserve it. Thanks!!!
Monday, January 10, 2011
Supporting
Just a quick note, supporting someone you love should be the easiest thing in this world. I have been fortunate enough to have that quality and knowing that the person or people I love the most I would always be by them during the good and the bad. I have come to realize that is just who I am. I spent 9 years with a wonderful person who I was always proud of and no matter what wouldn't of let her go because for me she was the person I wanted to be there for , for the rest of my life. Things change in life and you come to realize not everyone necessarily has the same mindset as I do, but it's one trait of mine I wouldn't trade for the world.
I lived through some very difficult times for the pasty year or even more, from work, weight balooning to all time high, and also heart break, but I found many people there that stood by me knowing fully well who I really was and no matter what that one day I would get back on top of the world and be the real Brian , the happy man who would never trade his life with anyone elses. See unlike most people in life I know exactly who I am and I know what I want out of life, most people spend their entire lives searching for answers and then realize when it's too late all the time it was always in front of them, I am a opportunistic person, if the opportunity is in front of me I take it running and keep it in my life for as long as I can. I spent months doubting myself as a human person and was put to the ultimate test of life, the challenge of over coming a heart break, everyones priorities in life are different but I have realized my thing is, relationships, it's being by the side of my partner and making her feel loved, supported through all of her difficult times and just being the strong shoulder to lean on, this is who I am as a person and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
I know now after so many people and different girls in the last year have told me , I am different and rare, I have many qualities that woman want in their man, all that was left was to find that right person to be this man for, I am picky, and throughout many opportunities I have found someone who I believe I can share my life with again, we will see in time, but to be honest I have only felt this way about one other person before and even though we are no longer together I will always have a strong connection and link to her, she was my first love and as the guy I am one day I will tell her face to face I wish her nothing but the best in this world because she is someone I care for immensly and even though we aren't together it doesn't change the fact I did enjoy the time together and I feel she is a special one, much more then she could ever know.... but I really believe she is one of those people that may search for quite some time as she will feel something is missing and realize she may of had it all this time, I may be a lot of things some bad ones, but one thing is for sure nobody will ever support their partners like I do.
I was unhappy with my own individual life for some time, I let myself gain so much weight, but over the course of the last year I have nearly lost 60 lbs, feel amazing, joined a gym, playing soccer, eating so differently and simply enjoying life again. I never thought I would get over the break up, I still sometimes I wonder how things would be different now, how much I wish she had just stood by me so that she could benefit from all I am and that is to come, but that is not my decision it was hers, I needed to accept it and give myself a path on the shoulders knowing fully well I never gave up on her, unfortunately I did for a period of time on myself though. It's scary to see pictures of me to what point I can't even stand looking at them, but I force myself too, because they are what I used to be, I can now look back on them feeling great because I have come a long way and I still have some to go but life is just beginning. I love myself again, I actually can stare at myself in the mirror and enjoy looking at what I see, I also see the finish line not too far off and feel like nothing will stop me, once I put my mind to something it's impossible to stop me, call it a Taurus trait, sometimes it's good and other times not so good, but heck it is who I am so I am happy with the trait.
I forgot for sometime what I brought into this world that was great, feeling after the breakup or even a little before that I was worthless, I felt guilty for thinking a certain way on things, or taking responsibilities on others but sometimes you need to take a step back and stop blaming yourself and accept your faults but also realize it takes two to mess up and I wasn't all wrong, I know who I am as a person and I wouldn't trade places with anyone, I would rather learn from my mistakes and faults and apply the things I admire of others on to what I am instead. Fitness and health are very important to me now, something I didn't think i would ever get too, but I have through learning from mistakes, I have others and will continue making mistakes in life it's just what it is, life is a long journey and you can't win at it by running a race, it's a life marathon, their will be obstacles and the only real way to win, is be yourself, love who you are and what you do have in your life, that to me is winning the game of life.
I am fortunate to have loved someone to the point of being able to take a bullet for them, to feel their mind,body and soul well I don't regret that experience with her, now it's time to explore other opportunities. This new woman in my life as her head together as well, very strong woman, as her own house, insane suv, amazing job and great health, she brings a lot of the characteristics I search for, she has the same drive as I do to success in life and we seem to compliment each other quite well, so who knows ,I won't rush things, I will let them come to their own.... I love my life and I feel ready to share it with someone again whoever it is, but not just anyone.
Some say people can't change, I think they are wrong, people do it everyday, but the real happy ones don't, they stay the same people with same values but their always look to improve themselves. I am open to criticism of myself but I wouldn't let any comments put me down in life, I have been through some very difficult times and for me nothing will be strong enough to lose myself again for, because at the end of the day, life only get's better no matter what.
Take care to everyone and thanks to those who have been there for me and I will always be there for you.
I lived through some very difficult times for the pasty year or even more, from work, weight balooning to all time high, and also heart break, but I found many people there that stood by me knowing fully well who I really was and no matter what that one day I would get back on top of the world and be the real Brian , the happy man who would never trade his life with anyone elses. See unlike most people in life I know exactly who I am and I know what I want out of life, most people spend their entire lives searching for answers and then realize when it's too late all the time it was always in front of them, I am a opportunistic person, if the opportunity is in front of me I take it running and keep it in my life for as long as I can. I spent months doubting myself as a human person and was put to the ultimate test of life, the challenge of over coming a heart break, everyones priorities in life are different but I have realized my thing is, relationships, it's being by the side of my partner and making her feel loved, supported through all of her difficult times and just being the strong shoulder to lean on, this is who I am as a person and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
I know now after so many people and different girls in the last year have told me , I am different and rare, I have many qualities that woman want in their man, all that was left was to find that right person to be this man for, I am picky, and throughout many opportunities I have found someone who I believe I can share my life with again, we will see in time, but to be honest I have only felt this way about one other person before and even though we are no longer together I will always have a strong connection and link to her, she was my first love and as the guy I am one day I will tell her face to face I wish her nothing but the best in this world because she is someone I care for immensly and even though we aren't together it doesn't change the fact I did enjoy the time together and I feel she is a special one, much more then she could ever know.... but I really believe she is one of those people that may search for quite some time as she will feel something is missing and realize she may of had it all this time, I may be a lot of things some bad ones, but one thing is for sure nobody will ever support their partners like I do.
I was unhappy with my own individual life for some time, I let myself gain so much weight, but over the course of the last year I have nearly lost 60 lbs, feel amazing, joined a gym, playing soccer, eating so differently and simply enjoying life again. I never thought I would get over the break up, I still sometimes I wonder how things would be different now, how much I wish she had just stood by me so that she could benefit from all I am and that is to come, but that is not my decision it was hers, I needed to accept it and give myself a path on the shoulders knowing fully well I never gave up on her, unfortunately I did for a period of time on myself though. It's scary to see pictures of me to what point I can't even stand looking at them, but I force myself too, because they are what I used to be, I can now look back on them feeling great because I have come a long way and I still have some to go but life is just beginning. I love myself again, I actually can stare at myself in the mirror and enjoy looking at what I see, I also see the finish line not too far off and feel like nothing will stop me, once I put my mind to something it's impossible to stop me, call it a Taurus trait, sometimes it's good and other times not so good, but heck it is who I am so I am happy with the trait.
I forgot for sometime what I brought into this world that was great, feeling after the breakup or even a little before that I was worthless, I felt guilty for thinking a certain way on things, or taking responsibilities on others but sometimes you need to take a step back and stop blaming yourself and accept your faults but also realize it takes two to mess up and I wasn't all wrong, I know who I am as a person and I wouldn't trade places with anyone, I would rather learn from my mistakes and faults and apply the things I admire of others on to what I am instead. Fitness and health are very important to me now, something I didn't think i would ever get too, but I have through learning from mistakes, I have others and will continue making mistakes in life it's just what it is, life is a long journey and you can't win at it by running a race, it's a life marathon, their will be obstacles and the only real way to win, is be yourself, love who you are and what you do have in your life, that to me is winning the game of life.
I am fortunate to have loved someone to the point of being able to take a bullet for them, to feel their mind,body and soul well I don't regret that experience with her, now it's time to explore other opportunities. This new woman in my life as her head together as well, very strong woman, as her own house, insane suv, amazing job and great health, she brings a lot of the characteristics I search for, she has the same drive as I do to success in life and we seem to compliment each other quite well, so who knows ,I won't rush things, I will let them come to their own.... I love my life and I feel ready to share it with someone again whoever it is, but not just anyone.
Some say people can't change, I think they are wrong, people do it everyday, but the real happy ones don't, they stay the same people with same values but their always look to improve themselves. I am open to criticism of myself but I wouldn't let any comments put me down in life, I have been through some very difficult times and for me nothing will be strong enough to lose myself again for, because at the end of the day, life only get's better no matter what.
Take care to everyone and thanks to those who have been there for me and I will always be there for you.
Monday, January 3, 2011
New beginnings 2011
I feel like I couldn't have ended and started off the new year in any better way. When people say things happen for a reason well they were right because I see it so clearly now. I don't recall being this happy at least not in a long time. I have so many people to thank for sticking by my side through all the difficult times and not giving up on me :). I knew that one day I would wake up and find myself again and the happiness I used to take so much pride in living with. I felt I could never allow myself to like someone again so I went through quite the times this summer/fall but it led all to this, and because of it I would change nothing. I am closer to my brother who has easily become one of my best friends in the world and many friends I hadn't seen in such a long time are now important in my life again and of course the ones who stook by me from the get go , I feel blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life. I guess I really have the best friends in the world. Now it brings me to this new chapter in my life, Tammy your truly someone special, amazing like I said, the simple thought of being with you makes me so damn happy and I thank the world for giving me all the experiences we both had in our lives as they brought us to being the people we are today. I can't believe all this is happening but I know good things do happen to good people and here it is :)
I have also lost over 60 lbs in 2010 and with her being such a fit athlete I have no doubt together we will have greatness. I am going to lose another 30-40 lbs and actually I have lost 11 lbs since xmas , life is good. I am feeling good and can't recall last time I had such a passion for life. I am looking forward to Europe/Bora Bora everything.
Mom and Dad thanks so much I love you both and you are easily the best parents. You guys support me with anything I do and I really appreciate it, no matter what I do you love me for who I am and I wouldn't ask for anything more.
All this to say I remember saying 2011 was going to be the best year ever, well it truly will be , 2001 was a amazing year but this one will be much better.
I will probably be taking a break from this blog for quite some time but only because I have a feeling I will be quite busy and I feel I am done venting my hurt and pains now, but I wanted to end it with a positive message, life goes on for everyone, everything happens for a reason and no matter how difficult it seems and you don't feel you can ever get out of it, well I am living proof that you can, things only get better, and the more you think they will the better they get :)
Cheers!
I have also lost over 60 lbs in 2010 and with her being such a fit athlete I have no doubt together we will have greatness. I am going to lose another 30-40 lbs and actually I have lost 11 lbs since xmas , life is good. I am feeling good and can't recall last time I had such a passion for life. I am looking forward to Europe/Bora Bora everything.
Mom and Dad thanks so much I love you both and you are easily the best parents. You guys support me with anything I do and I really appreciate it, no matter what I do you love me for who I am and I wouldn't ask for anything more.
All this to say I remember saying 2011 was going to be the best year ever, well it truly will be , 2001 was a amazing year but this one will be much better.
I will probably be taking a break from this blog for quite some time but only because I have a feeling I will be quite busy and I feel I am done venting my hurt and pains now, but I wanted to end it with a positive message, life goes on for everyone, everything happens for a reason and no matter how difficult it seems and you don't feel you can ever get out of it, well I am living proof that you can, things only get better, and the more you think they will the better they get :)
Cheers!
Saturday, December 25, 2010
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